Birthdays have always been among the most difficult days of the year for me. I didn’t grow up celebrating them. The older I got the more I thought “What even is there to celebrate?” And now as I start my 30th orbit around the sun, I can only think to share some personal reflections that some of you may find relatable.
It’s crazy in the dunya and my mood still turns
Ard Adz – House Ah Pain
See, I don’t believe comfort or happiness were created for this dimension we currently live in. You are free to believe whatever you choose, but it is undeniable that comfort and happiness are not only in scarce supply, but they are borderline impossible to obtain. This world and everything in it was created in balance except for the human experience. The human experience will have its balance restored in the next life. It’s one thing to know that and to believe it, but it’s an entirely different thing to live it. This Dunya is crazy and my mood constantly turns.
The Past
I’m looking at the past and the view still hurts
Ard Adz – House Ah Pain
I look back at the journey so far and most days there’s little to be proud of. I guess biologically it’s incredible that I’ve even survived until now. Alhamdulillah. All praises are due to Allah. Every moment is a blessing – an opportunity. It’s hard seeing it that way sometimes because of the painful view every time I look in the rearview mirror. But it’s the truth. It must be. I can’t do jack about what’s gone, but surely I can move forward differently. Surely the future is brighter.
I write this for me. I write this to reflect and introspect on my own journey. I’m done beating myself up, but I have to analyse the past in order to better understand how to navigate my future. My life depends on it, the lives of those whom I love and love me depend on it too.
Fifty years deep and that man still works
That’s why I shot, scam, teef and man still works
I feel bad, I’ve done things that made man feel worse
I feel bad, I’ve done things that made man feel worse
Ard Adz – House Ah Pain
There are those such as our fathers and mothers who have passed their 50s and perhaps even their 60s and still continue to work. More likely than not they’re working manual labour jobs. Bodies worn down. Their minds numbed by the traumas they bore and continue to bear through the decades as diaspora and immigrants leaving their homes and families and escaping wars and famine to provide their kids with a “better” life. I sit here, safe, fed, hydrated, healthy, with a roof over my head with the luxury of writing all this down because of my parents’ sacrifices. When was the last time my father or my mother wrote away their thoughts and feelings? When was the last time they were able to seek emotional or mental or even physical comfort?
We, I’m sure, often go out of our way and do f***ed up things because we see what our parents have gone through. And with communication channels non-existent, the inheritance of the destructive effect that is generational trauma is certain. I’m sure that most of us have good intentions when it comes to our parents, our future families and the generations to come. But good intentions aren’t always enough, especially when we screw it up in practice – I am not excused from this. We do things that we shouldn’t. We end up causing more pain while thinking we are doing better. Perhaps it’s doing illegal shit to make some more money and getting caught in the process or picking up bad habits such as smoking and drinking or criminal activities. Or something more psychological such as withdrawing yourself completely and being ghost to the point where you don’t even holla on special days thinking you would just make it worse if you did, but you end up making it worse by not.
All the above makes us feel bad. But what’s worse than feeling bad? Feeling worse. Yet we put ourselves in positions where we end up doing things that make us feel worse. It’s important to reflect and to understand where we went wrong because we can only pick ourselves back up and move forward in the right direction. It’s fine not knowing where we are heading because we may be pleasantly surprised with what we find. If explorers of the past didn’t venture into the unknown they wouldn’t have found new lands. But as conflicting as it may seem, it’s good to know where not to go. At this point, we may not know the good we seek, but we sure as hell know the bad to avoid. We may not know what we want, but we know – to the extent of our experiences – what we don’t want.
Internal Light vs Demons
Feeling like a light in a pitch black room
Fighting with these demons and they hit back too
m2i – Dear Lyfe
We all carry trauma and experiences that shape the way we view life and in turn, influence the decisions we make and the actions we take.
But the way I see it, or at least I try to see it, is that each one of us has a light within. How bright it shines is ultimately up to us. The world is ruthless, it’s like a pitch-black room that we’re trying to illuminate with our own light. Sometimes it’s like a black hole where not even light can escape. But there’s light nonetheless. There’s hope, there’s a future, and there’s potential. There’s faith, there’s love. There’s a reason to have a little optimism.
We face demons every day – it’s always a battle. But I wonder if we sometimes feel entitled in the sense that we go into each fight not expecting to get hit back. After all, it was a demon that got to our father Adam and our mother Eve.
Potential
Our past experiences may shape us and may be the root cause for any negativity we feel, but the harsher the experience, the greater the potential. If Adam and Eve weren’t removed from Heaven and sent to Earth, would any one of us have had the potential to attain paradise?
To break it down in physical terms:
Let’s look at potential through the lens of physics. There are two common types of potential energy – gravitational and elastic.
The formula for gravitational potential energy is defined as U = m × g × h where
U = potential energy
m = mass
g = acceleration of gravity
h = height
And the formula for elastic potential energy is U = ½ k × x² where
U = potential energy
k = spring force constant
x = amount of extension/compression
In the case of gravitational potential energy, where g is constant because you know, we’re on Earth, the greater the mass and/or the higher the height, the more potential energy is stored. The heavier our burdens, the further we may seem from where we need to be, and the greater the potential we possess.
In the case of elastic potential energy, the stiffer the spring where more force is applied to compress/extend the object in question whether it’s a spring or an elastic band etc. and the more it’s stretched/compressed, the greater the potential energy stored. The harder shit gets, the more pressure we feel, the more forces applied on us, the more we are stretched or pushed, the greater the potential we possess.
Anyone reading this can take this all how they wish, I can only share my own personal reflections. I can only write this as a form of self-therapy for myself. Lord Knows I need it. Lord Knows we all need it at some point.
Have you not seen those who at one point were among the worst of people turn to be the greatest of people?
An example that pops to mind is that of Khalid Ibn Walid. One of, if not the greatest military commander in history. A man whose counterattack upon what seemed like imminent defeat led to the injury of the Prophet Muhammad PBUH and in turn dealt him and his companions their greatest military setback at the Battle of Uhud. Only a couple of years later to embrace The Message of the Prophet Muhammad PBUH and to become the man who defeated both the Byzantines and Sassanids and was dubbed “The Sword of Allah”.
The greater the stress, the greater the relief. The greater the compression, the weight, the distance, and the forces felt, the greater the potential.
Thirty years of –
Thirty years of running, thirty years of searching
Thirty years of hurting, thirty years of pain
Thirty years of fearful, thirty years of anger
Thirty years of empty, thirty years of shame
Thirty years of broken, thirty years of anguish
Thirty years of hopeless, thirty years of –
Thirty years of never, thirty years of maybe
Thirty years of later, thirty years of fake
Thirty years of hollow, thirty years of sorrow
Thirty years of darkness, thirty years of –
Thirty years of baggage, thirty years of sadness
Thirty years of stagnant, thirty years of chains
Thirty years of anxious, thirty years of suffering
Thirty years of torment, thirty years of –
Thirty years of bitter, thirty years of lonely
Thirty years of pushing everyone away
You’ll never evolve – I know I can change
We are not enough – We are not the same
You don’t have the heart – You don’t have the strength
You don’t have the will – You don’t have the faith
You’ll never be loved, you’ll never be safe
Might as well give up – Not running away
You don’t have the guts – You’re the one afraid
I’m the one in charge – I’m taking the—No
I’m taking the… Reins
NF – Hope
In the lyrics above, to mark thirty years of his personal human experience which way too many of us can relate to, NF lists out thirty different feelings that overwhelmed and shaped him. Towards the end of the verse, he demonstrates an internal battle between the demons he’s fighting ( italicised ) and his internal light.
Even after experiencing a plethora of negative emotions, we have potential. We know we can change. We know that whatever demons are trying to possess us or keep us down, they don’t represent us, they don’t define us. We may have been knocked down for thirty years straight but we know we have the strength to get back up. We may not have been able to persevere as much as we’d have liked, but that light inside us gives us faith.
Our demons tell us that we’ll never be loved, that we’ll never be safe from anything and that we might as well give up, but we know that running won’t help. They’ll try to convince us that we don’t have the guts to face our crap but we know we can – it’s the demon that can’t bear the light of hope. They perhaps controlled a lot of what happened to us for the last thirty years and think they have authority over us, but The Only Authority over us Is The Authority of The Almighty.
It’s time we take back control and take the reins of this thing called life and begin to trot and gallop towards the light.
I ask The Almighty to make this year and every consecutive year that follows until my appointed time full of growth and progress. I ask The Almighty to guide me and to allow me to realise my potential in this life and the next life. I ask The Almighty to guide each soul reading these words I write from the troughs of my soul to what He Loves and to guide them far away from what He dislikes.
May every mistake lead to a beautiful lesson without consequences, and may the view in the rearview mirror get brighter with every day that passes.
